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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still
hadn't paid for them.

Well, hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last
year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Olympics

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are in Beiijing for the
> Olympics but
>
> > they
> > don't have tickets and security is very tight. The Englishman
> notices
> a
> > building site across the street and has an idea. He disappears on
> site
> and
> > returns a few minutes later with a scaffold pole, turns to the
> guards
> and
> > says 'Chris Smith, England, Pole Vault' and the guards open the gate
> and
> > let
> > him in.
> >
> 'I' ll have some of that' thinks the Scotsman, and he too pops over to
> the
> > building site and returns a few minutes later with a
> sledgehammer. He
> > turns
> > to the guards and says 'Hamish McGregor, Scotland, Hammer' and the
> guards
> > let him in.
>
> > The Irishman goes over to the building site. A few minutes later he
> > returns
> > with a roll of barbed wire and says to the guards Paddy Murphy,
> Ireland,
> > Fencing...........'
> >

NICE ONE!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago, for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn
from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to thedesk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be
FIRST CLASS'.The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these people first and I'm sure then we'll be able
to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I
AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your
attention please" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit):
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

WELL I DECLARE!!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
>
> beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
>
> 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
>
>
>
> 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
>
> Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
> and
> I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
>
> through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
>
> 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
>
>
>
> 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
>
> When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
>
> The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
>
> 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
>
> The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
>
> have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
>
>
>
> 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
>
> which is, to date, unused.'
>
> Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

THE HONEYMOON

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...
I would have deleted the words, but the story wouldn't be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
'Well,' said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'
Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..
Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language -- things
I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words! You've got to bring me back home...,
'PLEASE MAMA'
'Sarah, Sarah,' her mother said,
'calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?'
'Please don't make me tell you, mama,' wept the daughter, 'I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!'
'Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!'> >
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, ama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...'

'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said the mother.

OLYMPICS

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'It eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever ‘ear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.’

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right - ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

This is an outrageous joke set in Australia!

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute
and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said
boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right-front wheel arch.'

'... You there Boss?'

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his Doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day. Repeat this schedule for 2 weeks and when you return, you will have lost at least 6 pounds."

Two weeks later the Irishman returns and the Doctor is shocked to see he's lost 50 pounds. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor "Did this happen by just following my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from all dat fockin' skippin!"

> I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
> - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
>
> Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
> - Jimmy Carr
>
> The right to bear arms is only slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
> - Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>
> My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs and Immigration.
> - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
>
> The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be worried.
> - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
>
> My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child...
> well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
> - Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>
> Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
> - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
>
> You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
> And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... was it self-raising?"
> - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
>
> I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
> - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
>
> Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
> - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
>
> Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
> -Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
>
> A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
> The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
> The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
> - Steven Alan Green at C34
>
> I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
> - Norman Lovett at The Stand
>
> It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
> - Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>
> I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
> - Arnold Brown at The Stand
>
>
> If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
> They're trained for that.
> - Milton Jones at the Underbelly

BANK RAID!

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..
"Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..

?

"I think my wife caught a glimpse...."

GOOD AT MATHS??

3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS ?30.00 SO

EACH MAN PAID ?10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY ?25.00

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH ?5.00

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT ?5.00 EVENLY

BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A ?1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER ?2.00 FOR

HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID ?9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL

OF ?27.00, ADD THE ?2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = ?29.00

WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?

50 DOLLARS

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

IT'S A PUZZLE!!

3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS ?30.00 SO

EACH MAN PAID ?10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY ?25.00

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH ?5.00

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT ?5.00 EVENLY

BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A ?1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER ?2.00 FOR

HIMSELF.

BANK RAID!!

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..
"Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..

?

"I think my wife caught a glimpse...."

A blonde began a job as an elementary school
counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during
recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the
side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy
approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later,
however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot,
still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me
to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said,
"Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling
she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are
you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great
exasperation,

"I'm the bloody goalie."

No More Kids!!

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was

> enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't

> strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him

> that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

> The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

> would fix the problem but it was expensive. The doctor then went on to

> explain that a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework,

> light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and

> count to 10.

>

> The Scouser said to the doctor,

>

> "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how

> putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

>

> "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

>

> So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held

> the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which

> point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could

> continue counting on his other hand...

>

> This procedure also works in Watford, Birmingham , parts of Essex,

Sunderland,

> Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.....

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
?monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.?

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,?
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,?
it would never be picked up!?
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.?

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,?
but you make a good point, my son."?

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original?
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .?

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.?
"We missed the?R?! We missed the?R?!??We missed the?R?!"?
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying?uncontrollably.?
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"?

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...???

"CELEBRATE?!!!"?

Something to think about while taking a wellearned rest from gardening.

This describes a chat between God and St Francis (patron saint of animals), and refers to the odd habits of people who live in the suburbs of our towns and cities.

GOD'S THOUGHT ON LAWNS

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilising grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilise grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be believed in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, the leaves fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something, which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.

Computer-Wise Kids!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the
>> 11 year
>> old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked
>> him to
>> come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
>>
>> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was
>> wrong? He
>> replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
>>
>> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
>> 'An, ID
>> ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
>>
>> Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
>> before?'
>> 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
>> figure it out.'
>>

>> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I used to like Eric..............
>>

Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered,

"Knicker Stitcher… I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy, "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

Good Dog!!

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Kids and Computers!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the
>> 11 year
>> old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked
>> him to
>> come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
>>
>> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was
>> wrong? He
>> replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
>>
>> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
>> 'An, ID
>> ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
>>
>> Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
>> before?'
>>
>> 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
>> figure it out.'
>>
>> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I used to like Eric..............

Serious Ailment

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other
in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose,
her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity,
the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you,
I have a very rare medical condition:
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

A MOUSE TRAP STORY
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - - -
he was devastated to discover itwas a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raise her head and said “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in
the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So,the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the
darkness,she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the
trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the
hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse
looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think
it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying... It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. ! When re opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man
three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers
and orders three more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man
again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several
times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who
Orders Three Beers."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the
subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry,
but folks around here are wondering why you always
order three beers?"

"Tis odd, tisn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have
two brothers, and one went to America, and the other
to Australia. We promised each other that we would
always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a
way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with
this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers"
became a local celebrity and source of pride to the
village, even to the extent that out-of-towner's would
come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers.

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This
continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only
two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man,
"Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer
condolences to you for the death of your brother. ?
You know, only ordering two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are
alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided
to give up drink for Lent. "